A tabloid magazine, The National Incriminator, has revealed the sordid details of an affair between one of your top advisors, Robert Lotsalovin, and his secretary.
In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for New Dirtville's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that ponys could be added to the menu.
1. "The fact is, the pony population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Stefanie Steele. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have pony kebabs, pony pies, pony-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."
2. "I agree that something needs to be done about pony over-population," says random passer-by Aaron Union, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."
3. "I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Thomas Pushkin. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The ponys were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The pony is part of what makes New Dirtville a great nation!"