It all started when our uber geek, Darvince, woke up in a bush. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly pleased, Darvince poked a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved my mom was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, atomic7732. Darvince had known atomic7732 for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. atomic7732 was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Darvince called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
atomic7732 picked up to a very mad Darvince. atomic7732 calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters yawn before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually wildly belch *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Darvince. Why was atomic7732 trying to distract Darvince? Because he had snuck out from Darvince's with the my mom only eleven days prior. It was a enchanting little my mom... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Darvince got back to the subject at hand: his my mom. atomic7732 yawned. Relunctantly, atomic7732 invited him over, assuring him they'd find the my mom. Darvince grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, atomic7732 realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the my mom and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Darvince took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least ten minutes before Darvince would get there. But if he took the ttttttttttt? Then atomic7732 would be really screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, atomic7732 was interrupted by eleven oafish apathetic marmots that were lured by his my mom. atomic7732 shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he deftly reached for his dull pencil and aggressively punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the ttttttttttt rolling up. It was Darvince.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Darvince was out of the ttttttttttt and went earnestly jaunting toward atomic7732's front door. Meanwhile inside, atomic7732 was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the my mom into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his hippopotamus. atomic7732 was worried but at least the my mom was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' atomic7732 exotically purred. With a calculated push, Darvince opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish flaming idiot in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' atomic7732 assured him. Darvince took a seat just perfectly far from where atomic7732 had hidden the my mom. atomic7732 shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Darvince was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, atomic7732 noticed a abrasive look on Darvince's face. Darvince slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
atomic7732 felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Darvince asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the my mom right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on Darvince's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Darvince nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before atomic7732 could react, Darvince randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The my mom was plainly in view.
Darvince stared at atomic7732 for what what must've been four minutes. Ever so extemperaneously, atomic7732 groped earnestly in Darvince's direction, clearly desperate. Darvince grabbed the my mom and bolted for the door. It was locked. atomic7732 let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Darvince,' he rebuked. atomic7732 always had been a little funny-smelling, so Darvince knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before atomic7732 did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his my mom tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
atomic7732 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Darvince. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Darvince. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. atomic7732 walked over to the window and looked down. Darvince was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Darvince was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind atomic7732's place. Darvince had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral apathetic marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the my mom. One by one they latched on to Darvince. Already weakened from his injury, Darvince yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of apathetic marmots running off with his my mom.
About five hours later, Darvince awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and Darvince did not know where he was. Deep in the broad fanstic pumpkin patch, Darvince was barely lost. In a tragically predictable turn of events, he remembered that his my mom was taken by the apathetic marmots. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous apathetic marmot emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha apathetic marmot. Darvince opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the apathetic marmot sunk its teeth into Darvince's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Darvince's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, atomic7732 was entombed by anguish over the loss of the my mom. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his taint. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Darvince... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the my mom that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant apathetic marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
*reads story*
what the hell did i generatte
