Universe Sandbox

General Category => Everything Else => Topic started by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 10:50:23 AM

Title: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 10:50:23 AM
     The timing was apt. Velktae couldn't have chosen a better time to "pester" his father to teach him how to pilot an Omni craft. All was calm and Omnitae himself was even enjoying the day, so it came as no intrusion to him to see his son waltz into his office, bright as the star they were near, and nonchalantly ask to fly a capital ship. "Well, my son... there isn't anything going on... so why not?" He half-excitedly confirmed, a rare smile across his usually-saddened face. His usual half-depressed formality thrown out the window, he hopped out of his chair and joined his son in heading to the bridge. They were shot a "What's up, my dudes!" and a friendly smile by none other than Commander Dylan, as he made way to the cafeteria. Within a few moments they found themselves at the controls for the Omniscient II, and all that remained was a gentle warning and an override command to switch to manual pilot mode. Omnitae asked if there was any important task the ship needed to do. They all shot him a strange look, as if he is the one who calls the shots or something. Taking the joke as intended, he activated the override and quickly thought over what order to introduce the controls in. After all, this was their largest and most complicated vessel, and thus would make a difficult yet effective trainer.

     Soon after, various controls rose out of the floor, as when they are not in use it is best to stow them away. LOGIC! Velktae lightly gasped at the awe of seeing all these complex controls, but knew a combination of his father's teaching and the good ol OMNET would have him soon understan. He presumed most of the controls were for specific functions of the ship and not much for flying, and piloting was the main lesson for today. "Those, are all the controls of this vessel. Complex as they may be, the crew is there to assist, and most of it is for controlling different functions, the piloting section is relatively simple." Omnitae calmly explained. "Ensure you have checked all the indicators and screens for error before you take hold of the controls." Velktae took note of the current status of the vessel. All seemed well. "Reactors normal, ship secure?" Velktae seemed confused, but the OMNET assured him. "All systems are normal and functional. Proceed with manual override".

     Omnitae rest one hand upon his son's shoulder, watching as Velktae grabbed hold of the controls. He pondered if the controls could be configured into something like a controller, but the controls were already complex enough for now. "Alright, so to get this started, the central flight controller is to control direction. It works similarly to an atmospheric craft, only the direction is controlled by gyroscope, not control surfaces." Omnitae explained, while Velktae was nervous to direct the vessel just yet. "The green light near the center top is the inertia dampener status. Green means it is online and working, red means it is offline. Yellow means it is currently acting on the engines of the ship, so if it goes yellow when you change direction, you're good." Omnitae continued, Velktae soaking up the information. Omnitae paused and let Velktae try his hand. "What happens if it is off?" Velktae inquired curiously. "That means you'll have to use the engine controls on the central controller in your hands to change the velocity of the ship. The throttle lever only directs the prograde thrust when it is. When it is offline, it is nonfunctional, since it would not make sense to be constantly thrusting if you aren't using the dampener."

     "You are really good at explaining this insanely complex stuff to me in such a way that I understand!" Velktae expressed excitedly while lightly turning the central controller to the right, seeing the vessel shift to the likewise direction. Velktae gasped and re-leveled the controls. This sense of awe and excitement from directing starsytems worth of mass and people... is this what Omnitae feels when using his powers? He kept this question at the back of his mind for later and calmed himself, pulling up slightly, causing the ship to yaw upwards. Feeling a bit more confident, he both pulled and turned it to the right, causing the ship to roll and steer. This raised a more immediate question. "Are we going to run into anything?" A curious tone carrying his tongue. "No. But even if we did, the object hit would be worse for wear." Omnitae was joyful, smiling and doing small, quiet celebrations with his hands when Velktae remembered the controls. So joyful, in fact, he hadn't noticed the High Council member standing beside him.

     Although not as joyous as Omnitae, the member was expressing a small smile at the fact their leader was having fun for once in a while. The member lightly tapped his shoulder, to which Omnitae acknowledged the member's presence. "Oh, sorry, little distracted, what is it you need?" He expressed himself calmly and abruptly. The member replied not with words, but a gesture. Omnitae knew this was either important, or above the classification level of everyone else in the room. "Velktae, I'll be back in a little bit. Keep at the controls or wait, it is up to you, and if you need something ask one of the people around you, okay?" He spoke somewhat swiftly, placing one hand on the member's shoulder and teleporting them both to the High Council meeting chamber. There, a few other members were waiting. Omnitae dropped his smile, and abruptly questioned them. "Why is my presence required?" His calm and neutral tone had a habit of unnerving some of the members, shown by a couple shifting in their chairs. The nervousness caused not by fear, but simply because they are not used to it, yet.

    "We have summoned you here today, to inquire about your current mental state and some status reports that are somewhat concerning." The member that had summoned him explained quickly, not wanting to waste the Emperor's time. "I knew this was coming, eventually... I try my best to hide it, away in my office. But eventually you would notice the change in mannerisms." His usual calm tone and lightly pursed smile turned into a frown and a lower, saddened tone. "I hide it, to protect you. It is my duty to be the elegant leader of this empire, always vigilant and protecting." His voice grew distressed, which shocked all the members, mouth agape beneath their robes. "I am not supposed to be an embarrassment to my own people, and furthermore my Commanders and son. I am NOT supposed to show weakness. I am supposed to be an APEX, not a prey. But that is what I am, and I have to hide it! I can't handle this turmoil, I must let it out, so I go in my office to suffer ALONE!" The sudden bursts and shouts cause the closest member to back away a few steps, Omnitae's formal posture quickly replaced with a distraught fury, grasping at his head. He bares his teeth, a clear look of despair. "I'm never enough! Ever! No wonder..."

     Before he could deride himself further, the closest member lightly hugged the distraught leader. At this moment, a recognizable face popped into the room, none other than Commander Solanta. Omnitae and the Omni's premier intelligence officer. He was on route to simply tell the Council something of trivial matter, however stopped in his tracks hearing Omnitae's shouts of despair. Solanta saved what he had for later and took a seat at the table, listening more. He tried to remain calm but couldn't help becoming nervous, too, at the Emperor's erratic movement and voice, otherwise calm and composed, like the storm surge of an elegant hurricane. "I can't even be beautiful. Do you know... do you... know... I... fail... at all. The zenith star... fading. Only I... was never such..." His shouts turned to sobbing cries almost as quickly as he had escalated. "I am... sorry. I'll leave now." He started for the door. The Council dared not stop him, but the Member closest to him whispered in his ear as their beloved Emperor was leaving. "You are enough... and you are beautiful."

     Omnitae made no comment, until he was in the threshold, to which he turned to face them all. "Yeah right.... a beautiful monster." He turned and walked away. Solanta, basking in the situation, he thought to himself. And then he smirked.
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: deoxy99 on June 22, 2020, 01:40:53 PM
did i order a side of story with those comma splices?

anyhow it's a decent plot but it wasn't the most comfortable read because of the style errors. 6.5/10
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 06:00:09 PM
yea don't worry its cuz of mental weirdness the sequel will be better
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: deoxy99 on June 22, 2020, 06:14:03 PM
if you'd like i could show you where the readability errors are to learn for the next writing

see i know how to be helpful guys
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 06:21:04 PM
yeah sure im tryin to collect feedback after alll
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: deoxy99 on June 22, 2020, 07:42:00 PM
here are suggestions for better tone and readability. warning: there are a ton because i'm harsh like that

Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 07:49:53 PM
most of that comes from it being written as a forum post, ill keep this in mind for next time. most of these edits are simply breaking the dialogue away from the rest and some spacing
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: deoxy99 on June 22, 2020, 07:56:02 PM
oh i see

whenever i randomly write something, i just throw text together and clean it up later, so that's fair enough. writing is just beating words into submission really
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 08:15:08 PM
i mean tbh itd probably be effective for me to make the phat forum post again and just separate dialogue later

if the story itself was good and the characterization is fine that means the guts are there just gotta tidy up the skin
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: deoxy99 on June 22, 2020, 08:38:38 PM
and i thought my metaphor was weird
Title: Re: [Repost from darfor] Omnitae's Day Off (OMNIPOTENCIA)
Post by: Lord DC on June 22, 2020, 08:52:44 PM
years of roleplay does that to ya

idk if it does im just uhhh doin stuff